It's almost here..The day I really used to dread!!Serious.. I did!! I'd act all tough...I failed miserably. I hated feeling unloved. I grew up that way and it continued threw most of my adult life...the feeling of it. I love getting cards. I don't get many. I used to send out more. I'd never miss a birthday of anyone I knew. Though many missed mine. I go all out for holidays but many skip me. I don't do it because of the return..but all the same it still hurts. I wonder why. It hurts deeply.
So our Anniversary came and went no card not one!! and that includes him. Nope not one!! Not from a sis or sis in law or brother or brother in law not one..not from either of our mothers..not evan a call. And whats the importance of it all? ( I love to rhyme) Just feelings of one so small!! So I quit after a while of sending out birthdays, anniversary's and just saying hello at all. It's hard to realize I wasn't really as important to them as they were to me. Our kids birthdays go bye for the most part unnoticed. I invite few but I feel they'd rather not come. So it hurts. And it hurts worse when it's Him.. my Husband. Not evan a Christmas card .But he's busy. He's sorry. So now I am to the point of don't evan notice me on holidays or any other day.
Ya know that song by Janis Ian....At Seventeen? (Well if not I'll write a few of the lines.. This is so me!!)
I learned the truth at 17 that Love was meant for beauty queens..
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles..Who married Young & than retired...
The Valentines I never knew... the Friday night charades of youth....
were spent on ones more beautiful..At 17 I learned the truth.
OOHH is that me or what. I sing the song and cry that's how pathetic I am!! But it's true.
I am not ugly though I am not a beauty queen. I wonder every day whats wrong with me.
So does He Love me...or does He not?
I think he does. I feel he does not. So what is right. Is it because I feel so unimportant in every ones life that it has taken over me...or is it so? How am I to know. It evan spills on to my kids. Especially the oldest. Whom I protected for so long from someone most wicked. Wheres mine..or will I never know?
So I ask and I know I'll sit in silence and ponder it. And He's under my secret scrutiny.
I always want to do loving things for the people I love . I see it all around me. it hurts when i am all alone or the feeling is there at least.
So I feel as i did so long ago But I Love him so so does it really matter in the end if there's a card or not?
2 comments:
Hi,
I think it's ok for us to ask for certain things that are important to us from our loved ones. I know I had to ask my man to tell me I'm beautiful sometimes, and once he knew what I needed, he was happy to comply because he loves me. If you could just explain to him why its important for you to get a birthday card, I'm sure he will. Often people just don't realise what we need, so we have to let them know.
:)
Hello and what a nice surprise!!
i know...I sound silly at times...I think. But it was really bothering me. And he knows i like that but he just sometimes is too deep in the farming and cows. OOGosh i just felt like I was making excuses for him!!!
It's the little things!!
I love your site so peaceful.
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